Thirsty Thursday...

Ugh. So all though I did talk to Amanda and Sam last night, I just got done reading Amanda's blog. Which ouch. Shouldn't even read it. So I will take it for what it was. But I will confess to being glad I am going away for the next week. Whew!
I guess I don't really write all that is going on in my life in this blog lately. I have been going through some stuff and I just don't want to share it all. But I am bummed out, glad for the upcoming vacation, seriously tapped out and quite possibly going to get drunk off my ass tonight.
I am insecure about Jay and I, actually have no legit reason and according to my lil' bro making something out of nothing.... Which he says is a mega flaw of my gender.
I guess I am just hoping for things that may not be...

You don't know me, you don't even care, You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Hmm all is pretty well.... Jay is coming back tomorrow, we have 3 whole days to kiss and babble and snuggle before I am off to sunny Myrtle Beach... All is in perspective...
I must confess to having a little mini freak out over a confession I made to Jay regarding my feelings. But, as usual, my Jen helped me sort it out..
I guess by reading Danielle's blog she's still a little hurt by my comments about her not being a mom. When I wasn't a parent, I thought I knew what it was all about till I was one. Guess that's all I meant. I mean there's nothing wrong about not being a parent. I think all I meant was that I wish she'd respect she doesn't walk in my shoes like I respect that I don't walk in hers. 'Kay?
But it made me think.. I mean I try to make it a practice not to judge people, after all everyone's got their something. And I definately know I have my somethings... We all do, that is so life. So I guess I am really about the live and let live, especially when it comes to my friends...
Talking to Jay today, made me realize how happy I am, with or without him. I mean he adds to the happy.
I have missed him this week.
Saw M. today, which, honestly is never fun. He was in "i want you back" mode, which will sooo never happen..
Lately, things have been going @ top speed @ work. Tracy and I have a new job we've been working on and it's taking up lots of time. But it's fufilling.
And I guess I've made less time for some, but the times spent with friends have been fantastic lately...
Jay has this laid back, VT attitude and it's rubbing off on me. I haven't been sweating all the little stuff as much.. I mean I am mega broke, getting old (lol) and maybe losing friends as we speak, but I am loving this time in my life.
Mary is getting so big. I love having her. I will never understand why M. chose to give it up. There is nothing more I could ask for....
And when I wake up in the morning and have breakfast with her and Jay, dare I say it, like a family, my heart and my head feels content.... For the first time in so long I feel like me.
So take me or leave me, but I've finally found myself again!

A Song I am Feeling...

Boston

Augustana lyrics


In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...

In Every Journey, There is Meaning.....

Ok leaving for MB on Sat, so more than likely this will be my last post for 12 days or more.. 12 whole days w/o Jen, Steph, M, and Jay... Obviously some of those I will not miss lol...
The ex has been the anti parent lately, which complicates my whole trying to have actual plans.... I keep hoping he will just fade out...
All this space from Jay has made me realize that while I don't need him, I definately want him and I'm halfway to crazy spend the rest of the life together love... Note the HALFWAY....
So that's it, all is well, I'm a little sunburned and hmmm back to work tomorrow for my 3 day week... Later...

Pics From Sat Night....aka while the cat's away the mice will play...

Considering that our boys abandon us this holiday weekend, Jay's in VT, Dan's in Laconia, and Albert was supposed to be in CT (long story), Steph, Jen and I went out for a girls night, which um turned into a little bit more..... Jen and I started off @ my cousin Aaron's 30th b-day party, which he hadn't even showed up for by the time we left... Drama ensued when he got there, but oh that's a whole 'nother blog.... (btw when Jay called, he thought that me going out with Jen was "safe" lol)

Jen looking wildly thrilled..


Steph, the lobster, passed out drunk @ the beach...oops


See no red face...not even drunk... YET..

Yeah that's how we roll.....

That's Steph...

Oh no that random boy is sticking his tongue in Jen's ear...uh oh Dan...

Uh Oh I thinking I'm hitting on Jen AND Kyle.... sorry Jay...

Jen and THAT boy again, naughty, naughty...

See how innocent Steph and I are, proof that Jen is the BAD influence lol....

In Every Moment Of Doubt, Remember To Believe In Yourself...

So yeah, after being all excited to see Jay all day long @ work, he told me he can't see me because he has all this stuff to do before he leaves for VT. So it made me THAT GIRL again. Why you ask? Because I am afraid to get hurt, and when Lys is afraid she runs away. It's my thing. So I was trying to explain to him that I will miss him but need the space, and he got a little offended. And then I accused him of jealousy and he actually yelled at me. Ok he raised his voice which he never does. He told me he hates when I do this because he knows I'm being all cold and detached and he hates it. But a girl's gotta protect herself right???? I mean so many what ifs bounce in my head but I am so afraid to end up like I was with M. He said he doesn't care if I want to do other stuff other than hang out with him, as long as I don't chase after other boys.... So I hung up on him and called previous boy...
On the way to see previous boy, Jay texted me "do you look for reasons to be mad @ me?" And I felt bad, guilty, so I skipped other boy's house and called my boy back....
I told him I was sort of upset to learn that Jen had emailed everyone asking about me blowing them off for him, it made me think "omg am I blowing them off???" I told him it made me feel like I had to choose between him and them (for a brief second) and it made me scared to lose the people I love and who love me. I don't want to be isolated again like I was with M. I would die or something... I told him that asking me to meet his parents scared me so much and that I am so positive that I am wayy more into him than he is into me, so in my mind I should just end things now rather than set myself up for hurt... My practical VT boy has no clue what I mean, none. He doesn't get that this girl NEEDS to hear how he feels, that I NEED him to tell me... Because I am scared and oh so very timid about falling for him. Will I always be this gun shy???
Sometimes I think about getting remarried and having another kid and it makes me feel panicky. Jay said he wants to get married down the road and have a kid and it sounded heavenly but oh so scary. I want this but I don't. He said he is nervous about commiting to me and us because I change my mind all the time. Dammit because I am scared..... What will it take to get me out of this???
Hopefully getting drunk with Jen tomorrow night will help???

I miss you like a child misses their blanket...

I miss Jay.. I know ok it's a mushy post.

Things are different with him.. For one I tell him all my stupid stuff I never told M. about. (Like yeah he's so gonna hear about today's drama tonight lol..) I love sleeping next to him. When he's not around I miss him, but it's not all tragic and intense ala Nate... It's like he's with me even when he's not... Hokey I know...

When he asked me 'bout going to see his 'rents, I felt this knot in my chest. I mean, is this serious? He's serious 'bout me?? WTF is this boy thinking???? And he likes me for me, I am always my vain, snobbish, high maintenance self around him... Not to mention fickle, a total lush and wearing shirts that show off my boobs. I mean let's face it, I am not serious girl material... Ok maybe to him I am...

Last friday night, I got rocked with my friends and told him I loved him... Oh yeah I said it. I don't even know if I meant it, or if it was just in response to drinking.... But I felt it in that moment.. 2 and a half months and I'm in love???? You must have me confused with someone else....

(at least he hasn't brought it up..maybe he forgot???)

Whew...

In every conflict there is growth....

Ok wow, mega drama while I was at work....

These are my opinions on it all...

1. Jen is one of my oldest friends and is just trying to stick up for me, like Danielle, Sam and Amanda are sticking up for each other.

2. Danielle, your comment on my babysitting sitch annoyed me, because though you are an Aunt and all that other stuff, I am Mary's mom, which is a unique situation, and you didn't really give me a chance to give the whole story before you jumped all over me. Sorry if I pissed you off, but really I don't think you are in my shoes (as I am not in yours) and I'd prefer if you tried not to judge me, I don't judge you. Ok?

3. Amanda, yes I agree I backed out at the last minute, And I felt crappy about it. M. was supposed to show up @ 12 and @ 12:30 when I texted you I was on the other phone with someone trying to track him down.

4. M. is not a babysitter, it is court appointed visitation, therefore, I cannot just drop her off at someone elses place, it is his day and unfortunately, that means I have to wait around for at least an hour for him to grace us with his presense. To not do so, would violate our custody/visitation agreement, which would mean big trouble.

5. To me not being around, sadly it has nothing to do with Jay, who I see twice during the week and every other Sat night. Which is not a lot, really. But I can't remember the last time I got an invite from any of you to go out (sans concert). Jen, I ask you all the time to hang out, but you are with Dan, which trust me I get, but c'mon now ;op And Sam, Danielle and Amanda, you guys are busy too. It happens. I invited you all to my B-day, I mean take it as it comes. I don't have a job where I xan email all day and lately at night I am uber busy with crappy stuff.

6. As for the whole whore thing. Um yes I slept with people after I got separated from M. Ooo big deal, if I had known telling the people who are supposed to be my friends about it, would result in it being brought up every time I fuck up..... "Nuff said.

7. Danielle, again, glad to see I amused you enough to blog... I mean c'mon why are you being so nasty about this whole thing? Ouch..

8. Personally I feel like this whole thing turned wayyy too nasty and it sort of disgusts me. It disgusts me to see this whole thing laid out in front of me. I had some drama, I am not perfect and now look, all these people being nasty to each other and it's not necessary at all. Jen, I adore. Sam, Danielle and Amanda, I adore you too... But this whole thing as so spiraled out of control.

Really can't we just get it off our chests and move on????


All that crap being said, I had a good day. Jay wanted me to come meet his 'rents this weekend. Which made me feel all panicky, I am so not ready. I have plans though, so I told him maybe next time... Just cuz I have a boy doesn't mean I forget about those who came before..... :op

And we moved into the fast lane, Oh we just collided in the fast lane.....

Today was great, a little hectic but great... I love this time of year @ work, it's all sunshine...

Last night, had the tradional Jay & Lys phone call... Funny things were said (Jen, you so know it) and I realized wow color me content... I am so comfortable with us, we spend this massive time apart and it doesn't bug me. I know he'll be back and I know he's my boy.. He's going to Vermont this weekend to be with his family and I have lots to do... (cousin Aaron's turning the big 3-0) and hitting a bar with Jen.
I definately recommend trading up to a Vermont boy...
Steph has been uber stressed at work and it sucks for her, which makes me ever so sad. She's really good at her job and sometimes you get punished for it lol, which is so messed up! My room is running so smooth and all is well.
God I am boring lately lol....all this mushiness...
Hmmm...yup see I got nothing for you....
Oh yes, possibly more drinkfest at my house Fri night.
And Dan is acting up a little, as boys tend to do. Jen is handling it so well, you're my idol baby lol.. Who knew my life could ever be this ok? I am semi poor, totally divorced and in luv with those around me...... Interesting combo!

Another Pic From Friday...

Red face? Eh I was drunk.... Nice pic Steph...

Today was pretty good, rearranged the class room, did the usual "hickey check" w/ Danielle, Nicole, and Steph... (don't ask.. lol...)

Worried about Jenn, her mom is in the hospital, wish I could be there, but I have my girl tonight..

Last night, I got home 7ish and Jay came by. Ahhh things are so smooth lately, love it... We watched a movie, talked and well you know lol... Hmmm I love my boy... He's a great friend too, that's what I like... Anyway enough mush..

Signing up for belly danicng with Steph, um pretty much lost two friends in one weekend and found a renewed love for the ones I've got.... Jen you so know what I mean.... Lol... Ok so I suck, I'm sorry A & D. And wow that's all I got.....

Ooo and long weekend coming up..lots of plans, gotta go right now put my girl down for nigh nights...