In Every Moment Of Doubt, Remember To Believe In Yourself...

So yeah, after being all excited to see Jay all day long @ work, he told me he can't see me because he has all this stuff to do before he leaves for VT. So it made me THAT GIRL again. Why you ask? Because I am afraid to get hurt, and when Lys is afraid she runs away. It's my thing. So I was trying to explain to him that I will miss him but need the space, and he got a little offended. And then I accused him of jealousy and he actually yelled at me. Ok he raised his voice which he never does. He told me he hates when I do this because he knows I'm being all cold and detached and he hates it. But a girl's gotta protect herself right???? I mean so many what ifs bounce in my head but I am so afraid to end up like I was with M. He said he doesn't care if I want to do other stuff other than hang out with him, as long as I don't chase after other boys.... So I hung up on him and called previous boy...
On the way to see previous boy, Jay texted me "do you look for reasons to be mad @ me?" And I felt bad, guilty, so I skipped other boy's house and called my boy back....
I told him I was sort of upset to learn that Jen had emailed everyone asking about me blowing them off for him, it made me think "omg am I blowing them off???" I told him it made me feel like I had to choose between him and them (for a brief second) and it made me scared to lose the people I love and who love me. I don't want to be isolated again like I was with M. I would die or something... I told him that asking me to meet his parents scared me so much and that I am so positive that I am wayy more into him than he is into me, so in my mind I should just end things now rather than set myself up for hurt... My practical VT boy has no clue what I mean, none. He doesn't get that this girl NEEDS to hear how he feels, that I NEED him to tell me... Because I am scared and oh so very timid about falling for him. Will I always be this gun shy???
Sometimes I think about getting remarried and having another kid and it makes me feel panicky. Jay said he wants to get married down the road and have a kid and it sounded heavenly but oh so scary. I want this but I don't. He said he is nervous about commiting to me and us because I change my mind all the time. Dammit because I am scared..... What will it take to get me out of this???
Hopefully getting drunk with Jen tomorrow night will help???